"Reflections in the Water"

[Admiral Max Daystrom]

This is the personal Storyline for Larinda Starkiller. Please ask for permission before posting here.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

After making sure that my quarters were adequate, I changed into what I would normally wear at home and headed for Holodeck One. Once I got there, I stood outside and looked at the program panel.

"Computer, This is Lt jg Larinda Starkiller, CSEC. Run Holo Program Starkiller Three." After a few seconds, the computer spoke. "Program Activated, enter when ready." With that, the doors opened.

I had seen Holodeck recreations before but this one almost took my breath away. As I stepped inside, the door closed behind me and vanished. I looked around and could believe, for a moment, that I really was back home.

I heard a noise and turned to see Nuitmorte, my large, black wolf bounding towards me. Even though he was a holo creation, it was still good to see him again. The real one was back on Eldrona IV with my parents since Starfleet deemed it too dangerous to bring him along on this mission.

I understood their reasoning, considering how long and how dangerous this mission could turn out to be but, it didn't stop me from missing my companion and friend. After his greeting, Nuitmorte fell in step beside me as we made our way to the dominate feature of this program, the lake that was half a mile from my home.

Once we reached the shore, I sat down in the position the Chinese call the Lotus. I felt Nuitmorte settled down beside me and I kept my left hand resting on his body. I had never tried to do my meditations in a holodeck program before and I wondered what response I would recieve.

After a few moments, I began to feel as calm as I would were I meditating at home. It suprised me a little but, I settled into the trance state. Then, I heard the Great Spirit in my mind and my heart. His voice was calm, gentle yet, filled with strength and ageless wisdom.

"Fear not, Daughter, No matter where you go, no matter what you do, all that you know and love will be with you. You have your connection to Yasadril, remember. As long as you have that, you will be fine. I will watch over you."

The voice resonated in my heart and I smiled. Finally, I opened my eyes to look into the waters of the lake. I have always found water to be peaceful and calming to my mind and spirit and it was the same now. I knew I would need that calm as our mission began.

I thought about it and realizing we would be going through the Great Barrier to find our lost crew. It was exciting and frightening all at the same time. I just hoped we would be able to safely come home with whomever wished to come back with us.

I looked at my wrist chronometer and saw it was time for me to return to my duties in preperation for departure. I gave Nuitmorte a good scratching and departed, knowing that now, I could visit home whenever I wanted or, needed to.

I returned to my quarters and changed into a duty uniform. Then, headed for my office to meet the rest of the Security force and prepare for whatever lay ahead of us.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

As I rested inside of Yasadril, I could hear her voice telling me it would be all right. Her voice was comforting to me as I slept, the tensions and worries about the mission were draining away slowly from me and I relaxed deeper into sleep.

My dreams were going into the past, when I was growing up and my life before the accident that turned me into a cyborg. I still felt 'different' like I no longer belonged to my planet and my people. Ambassador Spock had told me repeatedly that I did still belong but there were times when I just didn't feel like it was true but now, I 'felt' it from Yasadril, the Mother and the Great Spirit.

I finally allowed my self to go back over the shuttle accident in my mind and look at it in a way that made me seem like an obderver. I then saw what Spock had been trying to show me, that I had done all that I could and that the accident and subseqyent happenings were beyond my control.

True, I was half human half machine now and my ability to have children was gone forever but, I was alive. It seemed ironic that I plunged into the lake, seeing how water had always calmed and soothed my spirit but, that was probably what allowed me to live, since the lake nymphs were waiting for me when the XJ-34 hit the water.

A lot of things went through my mind as I stayed inside of Yasadril and realized that I did what I could do and no more or less. That was all I could do for my people, my world and my ship.
I knew that once I resumed my duties, that was all I could ever hope to do.

I snuggeled furthur into my tree and waited until I knew I would face the world again.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

Yasadril nudged me awake when the chronometer indicated that it was the start of a new day. I climbed out, yawning and stretching, feeling better than I had in days. As I showered and dressed, I knew that the Doctor had probably already discussed my medical file with the Captain and the Ambassador.

I knew that one or both of them would want to talk to me. I placed the medicine pouch given to me by Mr. Raintree around my neck. saying the correct prayers as I did so. Then, a fresh duty uniform and, after feeding Yasadril Jr, my name for the potted tree, I headed for my office to check the duty roster for the various watches.

Somehow I knew, this was no ordinary day just as this was no ordinary mission and I asked the Great Spirit to bless all of us and keep us safe as we started our journey.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

After talking to both Captain Maddox and Commander Styles about my medical file, I decided to return to my quarters for awhile before going to ten-forward.

I walked in and asked the computer to play some ancient Native American music I had on file. Once that started, I settled on the sofa and thought back on my life before the XJ-34.

It had been a happy childhood, going to school, learning at home from my parents and grandparents. I remembered my mother's sister, Celeste, coming to visit when I was ten. She was so happy as she told us about her fiancee, a Starfleet Commander.

I remembered sitting in Mom's lap as they talked about having the wedding there on Eldrona IV. Mom asked what his name was but, Aunt Celeste wouldn't tell us, saying only that we would be suprised when we met him in a couple of weeks.

It hurt to remember that the wedding had taken place two weeks before Aunt Celeste's death in a shuttle accident on Earth. She had been brought back to Eldrona IV for burial. I had known something was wrong the day she died.

I was out in the grove where my tree, Yasadril is planted. All of my family's trees are in that one grove and Aunt Celeste's tree, Hanna, started waving her branches wildly and I could 'hear' her crying. I ran for mom and led her there and we watched, helplessly, as Hanna died right before our eyes.

I looked up at Mom and saw the tears and I clung to her. Celeste's husband wasn't all that surprised, when he called to tell us, that we already knew she was gone. I think that was the first time I really, truly understood that anyone could die, me, Mom, Dad. It frightened me.

I had lost my baby brother when I was seven and he was four. he had contracted a rare illness when he was three and he died one year later. His tree had been young enough that we had found another infant for him to bond with but, in Hanna's case, she had been with Aunt Celeste from birth and she would not have bonded with anyone else if she had lived.

That was the part of our culture that alot of off worlders didn't understand. Some, in the Academy, had said cutting and unkind things about my people when they learned what planet I was from. It hurt but, I tried to never let it show and now, I looked at my arms and legs,

In spite of what others thought, there were times that I wished they had just let me go that day and yet, I look at Yasadril Jrand realize that she kept me alive. I must have a purpose in life for Yasadril to work that hard to keep me here.

Maybe I do need to see the ship's counselor but, would they really understand? I find it hard to believe that an off worlder would understand how I felt when I woke up from my surgery, finding myself to be more machine than Eldronan.

I'm grateful to Ambassador Spock for his help in adjusting to what I am but, just because I accept what has happened doesn't mean that I like it. I don't. Because of this, I can not follow in my Mother's footsteps as I had planned to do.

According to the priestesses, I cannot be a Shaman now. I cannot be admitted to the spiritual mysteries of my people. if they consider me less than human, how do they expect me to look at myself?

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

I find it hard to keep control but, I have to, someone on this ship does. Bones is working to find a solution to this virus we/ve contracted. I remembered some of the calming techniques of my people. They have helped me to see things clearly.

The race we've encountered are not refugees, they are pirates and we have to stop them. I never realized before how strong my emotions really are. It is hard keeping them from erupting like the volcano on the southern continent of my home.

The most prevelant emotion I experience is still anger, anger over what happened to me with the XJ-34, anger over the fact that one of my own people tried to kill me. Anger over the fact that because of my 'reconstructive' surgery, I can never be what I always wanted to be. I will not be 'allowed' to study and become a Shaman, I cannot be admitted to the spiritual mysteries of my people and that hurts, hurts more than anyone could ever understand.

All my life, I looked forward to following my mother as a Shaman, a spiritual leader of our people and now, the ones who choose the students say that, because of my surgery, I am not longer 'worthy' in their eyes, to follow my mother.

When the high Shaman told me of their decision, I ran, ran into the woods to a place I have that is all mine, next to a small, still, clear pool. I sat down next to it, crying my eyes out when I felt a presence and turned. Standing there, in the moonlight, was BlackFury, the stallion of the herd of Unicorns that live in the woods.

He walked to me, slowly and lowering his head, nudged my shoulder. He then looked at me and then, at his back. the inference was clear so, I climbed up onto his sleek, smooth back and he took off at a canter.

We went deeper into the woods, deeper than I had ever gone before and it was so peaceful, so serene, that my anger and grief began to disappate. Finally we stopped at a lake I had never known was there. BlackFury stopped and I got off and walked over to the lake's edge.

The water was clearer than I could have ever imagined and, I sat down. The moonlight from our four moons made eerie patterns on the surface but then, the water's surface changed and I saw the face of a woman, an absoultely stunning woman who's eyes were glowing with love and joy.

"Daughter Larinda, I am glad you have come," she said. "I sent BlackFury to bring you here, I wish to speak with you." It took a few moments for me to realize that I was facing the Great Mother herself. I bowed my head in shame and I heard her, "Do not be ashamed, my child. I know who and what you are and you are still one of mine, no matter what the other Shaman say. Child, I choose who will be my voice and you will be one of mine, even if it is not on this world, but you will be my voice."

Then, it was like I was enfolded in a pair of warm, loving arms and the Mother held me as I cried, tears of relief and joy. She just held me until I cried myself to sleep.

When I awoke the next day, I was inside Yasadril, warm and comfortable. When I came out, I saw my Mother and Father waiting for me. From the looks on their faces, I knew that the Great Mother had already spoken to them about my role.

Two days later, my Mother began instructing me in the arts of the Shaman. It turned out that the Mother knew I would come to Starfleet and that I was to be her voice among my crewmates and those I would meet on my travels.

As I remembered all of this, my control returned and I found, to my immense suprise, that the virus was gone from my body. I was myself again.

I said a prayer of thanksgiving to The Great Spirit and the Great Mother for all they had done for me so far and prepared to do what I could to rescue my ship and my shipmates.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

Stardate 62398

As soon as i walked into my quarters, i wanted to throw something, anything but, I had to restrain myself. with the new strength of my 'replacements' I would probably have breached the jull and that would not have been a good thing.

How can I make anyone understand what I'm going through? Something totally unforseen has occured. Ever since we passed through the Great Barrier, it is as if the ship has decided to make me a part of her.

I try to concentrate on my duties but, there are times when I can 'hear' everything the Bradbury is doing. I 'hear' the cadence of the engines, the data being downloaded and analyzed, all of it.

I know that this is why I'm having problems on the bridge. It's hard to explain to anyone, except maybe the Admiral. I made a few stupid mistakes while on an away mission and I know they were stupid.

But, on the bridge, I'm really trying to concentrate on what I'm suppossed to do. I just can't seem to keep my stupid mouth shut and that's gotten me into all sorts of hot water.

I really don't know how much longer I can take this. if we were still in Federation space, I'd go home. At least there, I belong. I'm beginning to wonder if it was a good idea after all for me to accept this assignment. I had misgivings at the beginning but, The Admiral really wanted me to come along so, I did.

Maybe this will all work out, at least, I hope it does, for all of our sakes. I'm going to spend the night inside Yasadril. maybe I can find some peace then and face tomorrow in a better frame of mind. I'll have to talk to the Admiral also, privately, and tell him what is happening to me.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

After leaving Ten-Forward, I went to my quarters to try and calm myself. I activated the music upon entering and was surrounded by native flutes. I got a cup of my favorite coffee, hazelnut Irish creme with whipped cream, chocolate shavings and chopped hazelnuts.

After relaxing on the sofa, I tried to read a book I had started a few days ago but, I just couldn't concentrate on it so, I laid it aside. I just could not get what had happened to Triller out of my mind. I remembered his fear and frustration when the transformation took place. He didn't want to 'go bad' as he called it but, he had no choice and that was made me extremely angry.

Choice was a right, not a gift from someone else. Triller's race had that choice stolen from them by another race who thought they knew what was better, but, did they really? Would the time come when Triller and his people would eventually turn on the Bovinians? The was that possibility, I knew it had happened before, even in the case of my own ancestors.

They had been treated like pack animals, breeding stock, slaves, for a long time until they finally had enough and fought back to return to being proud, intelligent and human. But, that had been a long and bloody war, costing many lives on both sides until they all understood that peace was far better.

I started to weep, for Triller, his people and, what might come between them and the Bovinians. Then, when I couldn't stop, I realized that I was also finally, weeping for myself and everything that had happened to me that brought me to this point in time.

I felt Yasadril and the Mother enfold me in their love and, I made my way to my sleeping room and, after removing my uniform, I stepped on to the planter and was 'absorbed' into Yasadril, like I had been many times before. It was warm, peaceful and comforting in there and I settled down to rest and, hopefully, face the next day in a better frame of mind.

I still grieved for Triller's people and always would but, I knew that now, there was nothing that I could do for him and, I think, that hurt most of all.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

I woke up inside of Yasadril wondering what had happened. According to the chronometer, I had been inside my tree for almost three solid weeks! My mind was still a little foggy and I couldn't remember what sent me to her in the first place.

Maybe the Admiral or CMO could tell me. I remember, vaguely, hearing the call to Battle Stations and I was on my way to the bridge when...and that's as far as my memory goes, until waking up here, in my tree inside my quarters.

How did I get here anyway? if I had been injured, I should have woken up in Sickbay. Nothing about this makes any sense but then, what does sometimes?

I'll shower, put on a fresh uniform and report to the Admiral
's ready room. maybe he klnows what happened to me.[/font]

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

Standing in the lounge of the Excalibur, I saw that we were approaching the Bradbury, finally. The emergency that had necissated my returning home to Eldrona IV had been taken care of and I had been cleared by Starfleet to return to duty.

As much as I had loved being home, I now knew that this is where I truly belonged, here among the stars. The Mother and the Great Spirit were right. I was a Shaman to be out here, to find those who needed me and be able to help them.

I am nervous about returning but, hopefully, the new 'enhancements' will help me dampen down the messages I had been getting from the ship herself.

I looked up again and saw it was time. We were almost within transporter range and I headed for my quarters to get my things together. It was time for me to go home.

[Captain Larinda Starkiller]

After returning to my quarters, I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror. It was hard to believe what had just happened ti myself and the Admiral but, I could feel the changes inside of my body. After all of these years, I was finally human again and yet, I was also more than human.

Somehow, Illyia had intregrated my cybernetics into my body. I retained all of the 'enhancements' I had acquired as a cyborg and yet, I was now fully human. I walked over to Yasadril and laid my hand on her trunk. She began quivering like she would when happy and excited.

All I could hear her say in my mind was"Mommy's back, Mommy's back!" Then, I sat on the side of my bed and cried, the reality of what had happened washing over me. I had left Eldrona IV a green Ensign. Now, I was a mature, intelligent (I hoped) woman who had achieved the rank of Commander and was the Second in Command of the finest ship in Starfleet.

Finally, I sat up and wiped away the tears. We were home again and heading to Central Point. I knew that my parents probably already knew part of what had happened but, I couldn't wait to tell them the rest of it.

As I started to rise to my feet, I suddenly sat back down dumbstruck. I had just realized what was within my grasp again. I could, finally, allow myself to fall in love. I had not let that happen to me because of the Shuttle crash. I had lost, I thought, forever the ability to have children of my own.

I want to be a mother, a wife, a Starfleet Officer. Well, I have achieved one out of three so far so, hopefully, the next two items are achieveable after all. Finally, I fed Yasadril, washed my face and donned a fresh uniform. Then, I headed back to the bridge to be in my place when we would finally arive at Central Point, Earth.

I was almost home and feeling better than I had ever felt before.